Clor And Ty Reviews


Recommended Tags:

clorandtyreviews will be returning after a short hiatus

we will decide when to start spamming you with our opinions on a daily basis again likely in october. thank you for following! be back soon!

6 August 2014

My Little Restaurant HD Lite

Fuck this.

It’s a free time management restaurant app, among thousands. I happened to pick this bullshit up with a shrug. “Can’t be that bad.”

And then I was basically working back at the sports bar again, seating customers and dealing with people yelling, “YO! YO!! YO!!!!” at the top of their lungs to get attention. At least this one has some racial diversity. It gets tough, fast.

So I said fuck it and threw it in the bin at level 2, because sometimes you can’t deal with a game that can’t even keep the text in the bubbles or overloads you with six tops when all you got are twos. Your character is slow as hell and the visual cues aren’t always immediately obvious. The loud YO! YO!! YO!!!!s get really obnoxious, and I couldn’t stand it. Why is one guy doing all the footwork anyway?

I get that a lot of work must’ve been put into it and I read some reviews on the iPad app store that said that it was fun to them, but shit. I hated it.

Plus, anyone that uses the animated photo intro that requires you to tap a button to move on but needs you to wait to read the long ass speech bubbles needs to be forced to watch an entire movie like that. Seriously. Fucking bullshit.

5 August 2014

Sushi Master Chef

I was bored. I had just eaten sushi, very good sushi. I checked sushi in the iPad app store.

We ended up with this. It’s a standard food prep game—memorize the recipe and dish it out to the customers before they shit themselves with hunger. These little motherfuckers can’t even wait until their food reaches them to start losing their shit. You’re standing in front of them, making their food, and they’re turning red and making faces at you like "what did I do to deserve a sushi roll three seconds later than I wanted it???

Also, that dude that looks like Wolverine? No shit, that’s Wolverine. Also, there are three that look like they needed to be carded. That little boy at the end is a sake fiend. Seriously, dudes. Also, loving how this is all just various shades of white people in an otherwise empty restaurant staring down their ambiguously brown chef. Me. I am ambiguously brown. Maybe not you.

Gameplay is pretty simple up until you reach this level I’m on here, where they hit you too hard and too fast with the most complicated pieces of fish-n-rice that you can possibly do. Then it’s just hard. Other than that, you deck out the simple recipes like it’s nothing. Tyler was able to play it without being shown any of the recipes whatsoever, and he did pretty good.

Probably my only real complaint is the translation issues that cropped up. You get a lot of sentences that come out kind of grammatically confusing. There are ads (it is a free game), but the one that hovers over gameplay is out of the way and can be completely ignored and the one that pops up between levels can be closed without a second thought. It’s kinda fun, kinda eh, but it was enjoyable enough for me to keep playing up to whatever level I’m on.

4 August 2014

Dragons World

Another in the iOS genre of tap-sim pet battling thing, Dragons World has you raising and breeding dragons of various elemental backgrounds, and then making them Pokémon battle for your amusement.

At its core this game isn’t really any different than any of the other myriad games with similar names and goals, and about the only thing that set it apart was the use of polygonal models instead of sprites, but for some reason it captured my interest for about a week or so. It’s easy to kill some time with it, click some dragons, watch ‘em fight, then forget about it for a couple hours.

That said, like most games of this nature it makes it pretty clear as time goes on that it either wants you to play it less, or give it money to keep going. The time and resources needed for certain actions increases exponentially the further along you get, and it becomes a chore if you’re not willing to throw your wallet under the bus.

It kept me entertained for a while, it was fun while it lasted, but I’m ready to move on.

3 August 2014

Monster Legends

Simtap, breed monsters, pretty run of the mill stuff. You can battle and level up your monsters to evolve thEM IT’S JUST POKEMON

COMPLICATED POKEMON

And if you don’t have money, well, it’s the big waiting game for you! Plus, you’re restricted by the amount of workers you have lying around. PLUS!!! There is PVP and people can steal your shit through it. I stopped playing for a week and my money and food stores were reduced to shambles.

I don’t know why I keep playing. I don’t know.

1 August 2014

Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah

Probably my favourite film on our Godzilla night, this one utilizes some pretty decent CGI for the time. King Ghidorah’s heads look awesome!

Basically, white people from the future (plus one Japanese woman, also from the future) try to undo Godzilla’s origin from a random dinosaur “to save mankind”. That whole bit is fucked up and it brings up King Ghidorah, who is controlled by the future people.

Then there is mecha-Ghidorah, piloted by future Japanese lady, and there is a lot of fighting with Godzilla, which is what we came for. Also, Godzilla “isn’t nice anymore and will destroy Tokyo”, kind of like he always does whenever he appears anywhere near Japan.

At least the “future” was predicted to be about 200-300 years in the future. We still have a chance to come up with time machines in that time.

31 July 2014

Godzilla vs. Mothra

I really liked this Godzilla. Not just one, but two whole monsters to fight! There is Mothra, who is a huge dick, and Battra, who is considerably less of a dick for being the evil twin brother of Mothra. Everyone in the film cheered for Mothra but we were rooting for Godzilla.

It’s as if Toho wanted to add an Indiana Jones movie to the Godzilla franchise. There are old temples and adventure-capades in spades in the front of the movie, and then it goes back to the city and pretty much concentrates on the whole people-being-dicks thing. The movie also has an ecological slant to it that encourages people to pay attention to how they treat the planet, lest Mothra rise to destroy humanity.

I had fun with this one. The twins were a funny concept, and everyone keeping the two in a friggin dog carrier was kind of hilarious. Mothra was a laughably ineffective fighter against Godzilla, so he needed to talk the other rival into helping him. It’s beautiful.

30 July 2014

King Kong vs. Godzilla

Viewer Warning: Blackface

All I can think about is the blackface. I have never seen blackface before outside of history books, let alone a whole shit tonne of people wearing it all at the same time. During this whole time, the native people are bought off with cigarettes and magical tunes from the radio. Seriously, cigarettes and music bought someone a god.

The god in this case being King Kong, who just comes to visit, get drunk off his ass, and sleep. He also has magical electricity powers that are pretty useless.

Meanwhile, Godzilla drives an iceberg down to Japan and takes a stroll around Mt. Fuji and the Japanese people throw King Kong at him. King Kong throws rocks while Godzilla annihilates his punk ass.

The version we watched was the Western release, which adds in a white guy talking to someone in Japan through a space station. The white dudes are there just to talk about Godzilla and King Kong, kind of like shitty extra commentary except smack in the middle of the movie. Nobody can pronounce Japanese words (mostly “Hokkaido”, which was pronounced Ho-kai-ah-do) or English words (“reptile” being pronounced rep-tl).

I still can’t stop thinking about the black face. Jesus.

29 July 2014

Godzilla 2000

First off, gotta say that I love this trailer—it really brings me back to a time when we took these kinds of things seriously.

Anyway, this is the third Godzilla movie I (Clorin) have ever seen in my life and I loved it. Godzilla’s little rubber cat face and his super saiyan atomic breath—I’ve never seen these things before and really it’s awesome to watch a cultural icon in action. Even if it’s inside a rubber suit.

It’s cheesy as all hell and it doesn’t deny itself any comedy—it doesn’t take itself as seriously as the original Godzilla film or the US Godzilla film (1998). It was just…a huge load of fun.

And remember, there is a Godzilla inside us all.

28 July 2014

Pixel People

Okay, so I never meant to be terribly addicted to an iPad app game, but Pixel People just sorta…sucked us in.

It’s a really simple game—you’re the mayor of a space town and you’re in charge of splicing clones into different professions in order to expand your town and make more money, It’s an incredibly easy game and it always has something going on. You have clones coming in to splice, you have buildings reactivate, hearts to pump, trees to tap, and quests to do. It’s a constant barrage of activity that can last you minutes or hours, and the whole thing is completely customizable.

You’re pretty much designing your own city while rolling in cash your citizens bring into the city. The game promotes putting little decorative elements in yourself by either adding to the “spirit level” of the city (which discounts prices and wait times for you) or making it cost no land. The curiosity behind “who will I make and what buildings will they bring me?” is the driving force of the game, giving you a sort of “collect them all” mentality.

It’s not just the game itself, though. The pixel art is absolutely gorgeous, and the game lets you zoom in as far as you like to inspect individual elements. You can see your citizens wander around and animals you’ve collected chilling in the nature areas. This, along with the elevator-y music, combine to make it a good timewaster game.

Plus, it’s free.

 
Next page
 
[theme altered from Stijn]